The Tragedies Trilogy: Confessions of Three Fools
by CheerfullyPessimistic
Summary: Watch as Sasuke, Neji, and Gaara rant on and on about their lives and how bad they had it... First is Sasuke, with a severe case of Tourette's. Read it, it's hilarious!


Well, this turned out quite different from what I had in mind but wonderful nonetheless.

Read it! It's hilarious!

**Disclaimer:** Japan is furious at me. (I do not own Naruto)

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Sasuke got up and moved to the table. He clasped his hands on top of the table in front of him, facing the camera. Then he began speaking. 

"Hi, I'm Uchiha Sasuke. Have you ever wondered what impact you make on others' lives? I didn't. That's why I ended up retarded. I looked retarded, and I thought retarded. No, I mean, seriously, I wore a fucking bow tie on my back! And it was upside down! How is that supposed to help me fight? I looked like an Orochimaru look-alike, and trust me, no one wants to look like that freak..."

Sasuke's expression grew from "hey-guys-this-is-what-happened" expression to one of trauma and fierceness.

"When I was young, really young, like, six or seven young, my brother killed my family. Not just my family, mind you, but my whole freaking clan! Then he fucked my mind up with his Mangekyou Sharingan, which led me to want to kill him. Desires are evil my friends, not that I actually had any at that time. So I "hated" so much that I wanted to kill him. Of course, my pathetic attempts to kill him when he went after Naruto in that hotel didn't affect him in any way, but I ended up with a coupla broken ribs and a crushed ego.

"My brother killing my clan had a big impact on me. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!! Sorry, just had to get that out of my system. I bitched to my friends, treated them like shit, and they considered themselves as my friends! I thought Naruto was a dumbass, which he wasn't, and I thought Sakura was a man-molester rather than a kunoichi the way she was throwing herself on me, which changed for the better. Now they are hardworking individuals who have a better goal than I did when I was twelve. I even inspired their hard work by running away!

"Anyway, where was I? I bitched to my friends, treated them like shit, and acted delusional. I mean, I totally wore the Uchiha sign on my back when it was obvious the clan wouldn't resurrect themselves like Jesus and gain their honor back. And who would be proud of sharing the same clan as that fucktard Itachi?

"The whole village pitied me. They kept saying I was a freaking genius, and I grew COCKy. It wasn't pleasant. I learned that kickass technique from Kakashi and ended up using the Chidori to kill my best friend for a retarded red-eye with commas in them that fucked up peoples' minds! Wasn't the whole purpose of life to NOT turn into bastards like Itachi?! That guy was mental. He should go to a fucking mental ward for freako-maniacs like him. I bet he wasn't even a genius. Some guy probably dropped him on his head when he was born and he grew up retarded. He probably was so retarded he seemed like a genius and then went and killed off the entire clan. His excuse? 'I wanted to test my capacity.' How fucking lame! That doesn't even make sense!

"I'm digressing. So I ended up at the Sound after knowing that Naruto would've kicked my sorry ass up on that rooftop. Then Konoha sends Shikamaru, Kiba, Naruto, Neji, and Chouji to come and get me. They must've really missed me or why would they send a genius, a dog lover, a dumbass, another genius, and a fatass to come and get me? Chouji must've really burned some fat, there. I wonder if they bribed him with food to go on the mission anyway.

"So I learned techniques from Oro-bastard. SHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!! Sorry about that. Anyways, he was a really creepy gay guy. How pedophilic can you get? I swear half the time he was teaching me techniques he was trying to grope my ass. Talk about scary. But then I was power-driven, so I endured all that. I bet my mind was scarred at all his scariness. Then I didn't care, but now, those memories haunt me for the rest of my life! FUCK YOU, OROCHIMARU!

"Then I attempted to kill him. It worked, and as soon he was dead, I danced on his dead body. Then I roasted some of his favorite snakes and ate them. That was not a good idea. I was constipated for the whole of the week after that.

"Constipation + Shitting in the bushes equals Hell

"I had to wipe my ass with leaves, for fuck's sake.

"Then I took Orochimaru's body and covered him in leaves and the rest of his snake collection. It was hilarious. It looked like he was fucking his snakes! I got a stomachache after laughing so hard at that.

"So I went back to my home in Konoha. I told Sound 4 to go fuck themselves and left. They were happy that their leader was dead, anyway. Fortunately, Narutard and Suckura welcomed me back. I got a mild punishment, and now I'm living happily fucking ever after. Of course, there are some bastards that glare at me the same way they glare at Naruto, but they can go crap on a horse. Now I know how my good friend Naruto felt.

"Now I'm a normal shinobi living a real life. Here's some advice: Don't hunt down your brother who killed your whole clan. You. Will. Become. A. Retard. Don't make decisions so you grow up like me; you'll regret your whole fucking life!"

"CUT!" The director yelled out from his chair. "That makes a great ad. Thank you for your time Sasuke, for helping us in our wonderful cause. But, just in case you missed the point, don't you think you digressed a bit? You kept going off topic and the events weren't in chronological order..."

"Whatever! I helped your fucking ad agency! Now leave me alone! Bitching about my life is the last thing I would want to do, so, take whatever shit I give!"

"O-okay. You'll get paid in about a week through the mail. Thank you. You may go now."

The black-haired Uchiha heir got up out of his chair from his table and went outside to into his Infiniti.

"Fucking bastards. But it felt good to release all of that," Sasuke muttered as he started the ignition.

_----In Naruto's entertainment room----_

Naruto gaped at his 80 inch plasma screen T.V. when his favorite movie _Borat _paused for a commercial break. His eyes bulged out when he saw Sasuke sitting at a table clasping his hands. He paused it on his TiVo and flipped open his red razr cell phone. Naruto speed-dialed Shikamaru.

"Hello," a lazy voice answered on the phone.

"Hey Shikamaru, I just saw something unbelievable on the T.V.! It's this really weird ad starring Sasuke. Come over right now to watch it. I got it on TiVo and the ad is probably finished on your T.V. Come over right now!" Naruto's excited voice meted out. "And don't forget to bring the whole Rookie Nine and Neji, Tenten, and Lee!"

Soon after, everyone showed up at Naruto's house. Naruto had them gather in his entertainment room. He pressed the "Play" button on his remote control.

"Hi, I'm Uchiha Sasuke. Have you ever wondered what impact you make on others' lives? I didn't. That's why I... "

Everyone's mouths were open and their eyes bulged out.

After the ad was done, Chouji looked like he was ready to eat the whole house and its occupant plus its guests alive.

"HE CALLED ME A FATASS!"

Naruto quickly opened the door and said good-bye to him. Chouji was already in his "meatball" form, so he bounced off the steps angrily towards wherever the hell Sasuke was.

Inside, Neji, Tenten, and Lee said good-bye to Naruto and left. Hinata had training, and Shino didn't feel like being there.

That left Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, and Kiba.

"Wanna stay over and watch some movies with me?" Naruto asked.

"Sure!"

"Okay, I don't mind."

"Tch. How troublesome. But I'll stay anyway."

"YES!"

"And later, we can go over and make fun of Sasuke for his ad!"

_----With Sasuke----_

Sasuke got out of his car and went inside. As he was going in, however, he was met with the horrible sight of Chouji raging up the stairs of his house.

"Oh, shit." Sasuke tried to close his front door, but Chouji was already half-smushed into his house.

"Die, Sasuke!" Chouji blew himself up to be so fat, he was squishing everything in the house plus Sasuke. Then he inflated himself further, which cause Sasuke's house to explode. Luckily, Sasuke was in his smaller house, because he didn't feel like living in the Uchiha mansion. So Sasuke's house exploded and Sasuke was squished pretty badly to the point of demension. Oh well, at least his brain wasn't as demented as before.

Sasuke died of pain and dementia while Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, and Kiba watched movies over popcorn.

Too bad they never got to make fun of Sasuke for his ad...

Rest in Peace, Sasuke. We all mourn the loss of you. (Not)

**A/N: **You might read this and think, 'Hey, she bashed Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura! How immature!' The truth is that I really like all of those characters. Please don't get mad at me for leaving small hints of bashing (ie: Narutard, Suckura) for them. I didn't expect it, but it turned out to be funnier this way. I don't even like bashing characters 'cause I don't hate any character.

I hoped y'all liked it. I'm gonna make two other chapters with Gaara and Neji, to complete the trilogy.

So, what did you think about it? Don't just keep your thoughts to yourselves, review!

CheerfullyPessimistic


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